nonchalant

i keep watching old andy warhol films, and i keep watching old eighties work-out/fashion shows. i guess it gives me hope. i dont know why it gives me hope, i suppose it entertains me for a while until i find something else to fill my head with. i'm an actual mess, i need a haircut and my rooms a mess, yes i know "you should tidy it" but i have like ocd for messyness, if that makes sense?i work better in a messy environment. okay maybe not but i can at least kid myself into thinking that its okay to have a room like mine. its just, i'm extremely lazy. i keep getting strange thoughts and urges for things, like strange items i wanna buy because i like them, or food i wanna eat at crazy times in the night. i'm heading no where.

The scene stands stubborn: skinflint trees
Hoard last year's leaves, won't mourn, wear sackcloth, or turn
To elegiac dryads, and dour grass
Guards the hard-hearted emerald of its grassiness
However the grandiloquent mind may scorn
Such poverty. No dead men's cries

Flower forget-me-nots between the stones
Paving this grave ground. Here's honest rot
To unpick the heart, pare bone
Free of the fictive vein. When one stark skeleton
Bulks real, all saints' tongues fall quiet:
Flies watch no resurrections in the sun.

At the essential landscape stare, stare
Till your eyes foist a vision dazzling on the wind:
Whatever lost ghosts flare,
Damned, howling in their shrouds across the moor
Rave on the leash of the starving mind
Which peoples the bare room, the blank, untenanted air.

no i'm not an emo, i'm just appreciating language. and not because i want to impress anyone- i dont have anyone to impress. i just want to keep reading reading reading to keep me occupied. i always do this, try and do stupid things to keep my mind off what is important. and it annoys me being on the internet theres all these amazing people and i just dont relate to anything like that, like beautiful people, people who are brilliant at everything. you either have to be brainy or beautiful to exceed in life these days. and its a terrible world we live in.
the other day i watched "the last king of scotland" and i know it was set in the 70s, but it made me think.. the world hasn't really evolved much since then, i mean its been around 20 years since the downfall of Ida Amin in Uganda, and still the wars rage on. everywhere there is hatred for everyone and i am sick of it. and i'm sick of people critising everything. we will be our own downfall. i talk so much shit. i dont know how to explain it. i'm not good with words today.
today is a thinking day


night,
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